For the past seven years I’ve been dealing with a horrendous situation in my personal life that has threatened my sanity, my faith, my work, my very being.

My son is a drug addict.  He has been a drug addict for years now and no amount of rehab or jail time or therapy seems to get to the crux of the problem.  And I have been an enabler.  I’ve allowed him to live in my house, threaten his siblings, create havoc in a place that I am determined to be a place of peace.

Four days ago he sort of fell off of the planet.  I’m not surprised.  I’ve been watching THAT train hurtling down the track now for years and recognize all the signs.  I can’t blame medical doctors for prescribing medications for him that will once again open that gateway to hell.  Different doctors  prescribing oxycodone, meloxicam, nucenta.  Nucenta…where the information sheets says in very very bold letters:  Tell your doctor if you have ever abused or been dependent on alcohol, prescription medicines or street drugs.   No I cannot blame them if they aren’t getting the whole story.

Where is he?  I do not know.  He cannot come back here.  I cannot allow that any more.  I cannot put my other children in a precarious position because of the disease of another.  I cannot.

I love my son, my eldest child, the one that opened my heart to the joys of motherhood.  He has hurt me down to my core, to where I put my head down sometimes and just sob in frustration and fear.  I lay awake at night at times listening for the sound of his obnoxious car only to hear nothing at all.  I was on my deck yesterday afternoon at about 6PM working on the crossword puzzle.  My front doorbell rang.  No one rings my bell.  I actually expected to see the police at my door, and I was resigned to that.  Hysterically enough it was the Legion of Mary.  Yes, please, pray for us.

I hate what he’s done to this family:  The polarization of all of us.  The sense of anger and fear and mistrust that reigns here now.  He has hurt me, us, and we will be dealing with that forever.  No, you cannot come home and continue to damage all of us along with yourself.  I am sorry.  When you are able to take control back then, and only then, will we readdress the situation.

What’s love got to do with it?  Absolutely everything.